Drake famously rapped the lines ‘Tell me, how the f*** we supposed to stay friends, When you got a bunch of feelings that you don't show?’ on his 2019 hit Trust Issues. It was one of his most vulnerable tracks about not trusting women and how he medicated his pain of being hurt by someone with alcohol that people don’t seem to recognise or like him anymore. The certified lover boy expressed his sensitives in a song that people loved, had everyone talking about how well he crafted the lyrics that even other artists created renditions of the song that showed how trust issues materialise in relationships.
So what does that tell you?
Trust is an imperative ingredient in a recipe to create a healthy relationship. Trust can hold a relationship together when challenges and barriers arise, such as communication issues, distance due to work commitments, socialising without each other or just the knowing that your partner has your back.
However, people who have experienced betrayal such as their former partners or family members, lying to them, unfaithfulness, or they’ve had their vulnerability ridiculed or intimate secrets shared with others. Can cause people to shutdown and have trust issues with new people. The new people entering your life could be trustworthy, but the person whose had their trust broken, can feel unsure and apprehensive to take that step forward to trusting them.
Signs of trust issues are:
Focus on the negative
Suspiciousness
Self-sabotage
Unforgiveness
Shutdown and withdrawn
‘Ok, I understand now. So how do I learn how to trust?’
That’s exactly it, you learn - one step at a time.
Learn to discern when someone has genuine intentions for you and makes innocent mistakes, or when someone has intent to harm you. Get to know people and how they navigate difficult circumstances, and how they treat others. If it helps, ask these same people about their experiences of trust, which will tell you what you need to know about how they make trust a priority in relationships.
Next up, is boundaries. We often hear so much about boundaries, which is not the same of having a wall up. In this respect, it’s guarding your heart and sharing parts of yourself when you’re ready. Not oversharing your deepest and darkest secrets, or being vulnerable too early. It goes back to getting to know someone and gauging what is appropriate to share with the person in question, at different stages of potentially moving into a new partnership.
And most importantly…. Trust Yourself. Do you follow through on what you say you’re going to do. Can people also trust you to not lie, flake arrangements or keep secrets? Trusting yourself will help you to identify whether you can trust others or not.
Let me know your thoughts below.
If you would like to speak about this further in a 1:1 conversation, email me: tanya.therapies.london@gmail.com
Next up is…Fear of Abandonment.
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