Walk with me…
Brenda is learning to overcome her trust issues with her new boyfriend, Tristan. They have talked through her past traumas of when her trust has been broken and is learning to be more at ease with him as he has not given her a reason not to trust - at all. However, as things are going really well. She feels doubt that he would leave her because her previous relationship ended abruptly without any closure, and now she feels it could happen again.
She begins to display behaviours of:
Being controlling and cold in fear he will leave
Being clingy because she feels that will make him stay
Wants to leave the relationship before he leaves her
Doesn’t have any boundaries in hopes he’ll stay if she allows him to do whatever he wants
Pushes him away so he can pull her close to him to prove that he will never leave.
Sounds exhausting right?
But this is common unconscious behaviour in relationships when there is a fear of being abandoned. It could originate from an earlier childhood experience of when a parent left the family home or you grew up without a parent. Or the feeling of not belonging to a group and being a loner because you are ‘different’. Or maybe a previous partner decided one day they no longer want to be in a relationship and leaves with no contact.
It’s also not solely a physical behaviour, and could be when a parent or a partner is emotionally unavailable or cold, so you may choose partners or friends who may not make time for you, unable to express emotions and feelings, or feel uncomfortable when you show yours.
Fear of abandonment can cause difficulty in building and maintaining relationships, and can impact your confidence and self-esteem in choosing the right partner for you. It can appear as you over giving and trying to prove yourself all the time to your partner to see you and hear you that can diminish your self-worth.
Working with a therapist can help you to identify these behaviours and thought patterns that are keeping you stuck in the fear of abandonment cycle.
If you would like to have a further conversation, click the link in the bio or send me a DM for a discovery call.
Tomorrow we’ll talk about…the inability to communicate.
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